>Happy Halloween

>

I hope everyone has been having a fun Halloween weekend – there was lots of baking, hairspray and blood involved on my end. Next to Weihnachten, Halloween is my favorite holiday. There’s something so hilariously entertaining about seeing Buddy the Elf walk out of a bar. Or how about the white trash bride and groom? Do those not exist in Colorado, because where I come from..?

>Blondies for everybody

>

I somehow ran out of margarine in the midst of experimenting with this recipe. I don’t know how that happened, because last time I checked I had enough margarine to last me until the end of the year. Or so I thought.

I set out to walk to King Soopers, but my laziness defeated me when I realized Whole Foods was 5 blocks closer. And I’m happy my laziness factor outweighed the expense factor, because my favorite ‘Director of Traffic’ was out today. He directs traffic in such an eloquent manner that I could sit and watch for hours. Coming from the girl who watches macarons bake, that probably doesn’t mean much, but in all honesty, this man does his job beautifully; his movements flow so well that I’m convinced he’s a ballerina in his spare time. I get goosebumps just thinking about him and his traffic-directing awesomeness. 

I’m not one of those people who goes grocery shopping without knowing exactly what I need (but I am one of those people who goes grocery shopping on an empty stomach, resulting in many impulsive buys). That being said, I made a bee line to the back of the store, grabbed margarine and then headed toward the check out. I had to go down an aisle further because two old women were taking up an entire aisle with their carts, which were each stocked full with fresh vegetables and broth. I asked them to please excuse me, but they were too busy discussing the ingredients in a loaf of bread to hear. What I really should have asked was if I could come for dinner. They probably would have heard me then.

Damn those chatty women and their carts, because my detour took me through the unavoidable candy aisle. The 10 year old boy in me surfaced and I decided that I wanted needed a bar of dark chocolate (although I’m pretty sure no 10 year old would ever need, or want, a bar of dark chocolate – just pretend this is a 10 year old with a sensitive GI tract). It was then that I discovered Justin’s organic dark chocolate peanut butter cups and almost had a heart attack. Albeit, their centers aren’t as creamy as Reese’s, but who likes Reese’s anyways? I feel bad for you if think that is a good peanut butter cup. Did I mention they’re vegan? Justin’s, not Reese’s.

I suppose I owe those women a thank you.

Vegan blondies

1/2 c. Earth Balance margarine, room temperature

1 c. light brown sugar

1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 TBS almond milk

1 Ener-G egg yolk

1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder

3/4 c. unbleached flour
1/4 c. whole wheat flour
1/2 c. rolled oats (optional)
1/4 c. walnuts (optional)
1/4 c. semi-sweet chips (optional)

Blondies

1/2 c. butter, room temperature

1 c. light brown sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 TBS whole milk
1 egg, room temperature
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 c. unbleached flour
1/4 c. whole wheat flour

• Cream margarine/butter and brown sugar for 1 minute
• Add vanilla extract and almond milk/milk, cream for 30 seconds
• Mix in Ener-G egg yolk/egg
• Sift in salt, baking powder and flours
• Add any additions (chocolate chips, rolled oats, nuts, etc.)

To bake:

• Line 8X8 metal baking pan with parchment paper (just the bottom)
• Lightly mist pan with oil and pour in the batter
• Rap pan on counter 5-10 times to ensure all air bubbles have surfaced
• Spread batter evenly over pan

Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes (if using a glass baking pan, bake 25-30 minutes, rotating pan at 15 minutes)

By the way, Whole Foods, could you do me a grand favor and restock your Tofutti cream cheese? I die a little each day I go to get it and it’s not in it’s special place.

>Daring Bakers – October Challenge

>

This month’s DB challenge was hosted by Lori of butter me up, who instructed all of us to make doughnuts from 4 various recipes (cake doughnuts, yeast doughnuts, etc). Unfortunately for me, none of the recipes quite fit into my boring ass dairy-restricing diet, so I altered one of them and made it vegan. Then baked them, because I don’t eat fried shit. And by don’t I mean can’t.

Sadly, the baked doughnuts, which were supposed to be fried, turned out all sorts of terrible. My solution? Make my own recipe. And you better believe I ate a good 3 doughnuts before I even realized what was going on. And when my inner-demon tried to make me feel miserable for eating like a cow, I hastily reminded myself that these doughnuts are much healthier than the fried alternative. And I ate another one.

That’ll be enough from me. For those of you who care, the recipes will be posted after the doughnut porn. Try not to make a mess.

Oh, and would anyone like a vegan Luther burger?

Vegan cake doughnuts, baked

1/4 c. + 2 TBS almond milk

1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar

3 TBS soy yogurt

2 Ener-G egg yolks

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

1/4 c. + 1 TBS canola oil

3/4 c. cane sugar

3/4 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 1/2 c. unbleached cake flour

• Combine almond milk and cider vinegar in a bowl – set aside
• Mix yogurt, Ener-G egg yolks, vanilla extract and oil – set aside
• In separate bowl, sift together flour, sugar, baking powder, nutmeg and salt
• Create a well in the center of dry ingredients and pour in wet ingredients – stir until all ingredients are incorporated

To bake:

• Mist doughnut pan with oil
• Fill each doughnut well 1/2-3/4 full with batter
• Rap pan on counter to ensure batter is evenly spread in each well

Bake at 375 for 10-14 minutes (1/2 full = 10-12 minutes, 3/4 full = 12-14 minutes)

Notes: this recipe requires a doughnut pan. After I mix the Ener-G egg(s) I let the mixture sit for 2-3 minutes before adding it to the batter. Also, if you want to add cinnamon to your doughnuts (or omit the nutmeg) feel free. Orange zest, pumpkin puree or blueberries would be great additions to this recipe.

                                        

Vegan cake doughnuts, fried

adapted from Nancy Silverton on Serious Eats

3/4 c. + 2 TBS non-dairy milk (I used almond)

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

1 Ener-G egg

2 Ener-G egg yolks (directions on box)

1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1/4 c. vegan sour cream (Tofutti brand)

3 1/4 c. unbleached flour

3/4 c. cane sugar

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

3/4 tsp nutmeg

1 1/8 tsp active dry yeast

• Combine non-dairy milk and vinegar and bowl, set aside for 5 minutes
• On stove, heat sour cream over a simmering pot of water until warm
• In separate bowl, sift together flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt and nutmeg
• Make a well in the center, place the yeast in the well and cover it with the sour cream – let sit 1 minute
• In buttermilk bowl, add the whole egg, egg yolks and vanilla extract; pour into flour well
• Mix all ingredients until everything is incorporated
• If dough is not firm, continue adding flour until it is firm enough to roll and cut

To fry:

• Heat oil on stove to 375 degrees 
• Sift an even layer of flour onto two work surfaces – don’t be afraid to use a lot
• Scrape dough onto floured work surface and cover with more sifted flour
• Roll dough out until it is 1/2 inch thick
• Dip cutter in flour and, cutting as closely as possible, cut doughnuts and holes
• Place doughnuts and holes on floured surface
• Fry doughnuts 20-30 seconds per side, in 375 degree oil
• Place on baking sheet, lined with paper towels, to drain

                                        

Glaze and icing

Vanilla glaze: 1/4 c. confectioner’s sugar + 1 TBS milk + dash of vanilla
Vanilla icing: 1/4 c. confectioner’s sugar + 11/2 tsp milk + dash of vanilla
Peanut butter icing: 2 TBS peanut butter + 2 TBS confectioner’s sugar + 1 TBS non-dairy milk
Chocolate-hazelnut icing: 2 TBS chocolate-hazelnut spread + 2 TBS confectioner’s sugar + 1 TBS non-dairy milk

Notes: the above amounts are estimates. If any of the icings are too thick, add more milk; too thin, add more confectioner’s sugar. Also, if using Nutella, your doughnuts will not be vegan – I used Justin’s Chocolate Hazelnut butter in place of Nutella.

>Schneckennudeln

>

Snail noodles, really? Those crazy fucking Germans. I’m going to have to have a talking with my Oma when I go back East for Weihnachten. I would also like to point out that the Wiki page clearly states that snickerdoodles are to be made with cream of tartar, not baking powder, you uneducated, baking morons. I’m just kidding. But really, you’re doing it wrong.

I made two attempts at creating the perfect snickerdoodle. One recipe consisted of non-hydrogenated shortening and agave nectar, while the winning recipe (posted below) consisted of oil and cane sugar. In my mind, I pictured a thin, chewy cookie – and while the winning recipe produces a fatter cookie than I’d like, it’s too damn delicious not to keep. Or share. Or eat all in one sitting.

Vegan snickerdoodles

1/4 c. canola oil
1/2 c. cane sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 Ener-G egg
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1 c. + 1 TBS unbleached flour

To coat:
2 TBS cane sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

• Whisk oil and sugar together
• Add vanilla extract and Ener-G egg
• Sift in cinnamon, salt, baking soda, cream of tartar and flour

To bake:

• Line baking sheet with parchment paper
• Roll dough into 11/2 inch rounds and coat with cinnamon sugar
• Place rounds on cookie sheet firmly press down to flatten them

Bake at 350 for 10-11 minutes, recipe yields 12 cookies

Notes: if you don’t like the apparent taste of salt, reduce the salt to 1/4 tsp. If you want super-thin, chewy cookies, subtract 3 TBS of flour from the flour measurement – but you’ll have to chill the dough prior to rolling and baking (for those of you who are measurement-illiterate, that’s 3/4 c. flour + 2 TBS).

                                        

Nothing feels as good as writing a successful recipe. Nothing. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of trial and error experiments – and let me just say, there’s been way more error than success. And as annoyed as I get with failed recipes, it’s actually quite humbling. It reminds me how good it feels when I actually do succeed. Today, chalk one up for Ladycakes!

I just spoke in the third person. I am really, really sorry.

Update: I regret to inform you that the original recipe is not nearly as soft (the next day) as it’s shortening-filled counterpart. So, I am here to provide you with the other recipe.

1/4 c. non-hydrogenated shortening
1/2 c. cane sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 TBS agave nectar
1 TBS almond milk
1 Ener-G egg
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1 c. unbleached flour

Cream shortening, sugar, agave nectar, vanilla extract and almond milk. Beat in Ener-G egg. Sift in remaining ingredients. If necessary, chill dough in fridge for 30 minutes prior to rolling and baking. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes.

>Secret post

>

This time last year I was lying on the pavement at the intersection of E. 1st Avenue and Detroit. I remember looking at the pale blue sky, feeling dizzy from the encounter of my little body with a large vehicle and hearing sirens in the distance growing closer, and closer, and closer. It wasn’t until an EMT came over to check my vitals that I realized they were there for me. Perfect timing, because no longer than one minute later, my legs went numb and I went into shock. He whisked me away on a stretcher, placed me in an ambulance and proceeded to pull out a pair of scissors in attempts to cut off my clothes. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve had these leggings for 5 years, and if you cut them off I will cut you. As we pulled away, I was distracted by the lights from the fire trucks and thought, FIRE TRUCKS? FOR ME??? Yes, fire trucks for me.

I have never understood the amount of help they send to the scene of an accident. Really makes you think about the communication between the 911 dispatcher and person reporting the accident, doesn’t it? Yo, some 14 year old just got hit by a car. I think she’s on fire. Send as many firetrucks as you can. I suppose it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Physically speaking, I dealt with my problems through therapy. But mentally? That was a monster in and of itself. For a while after the accident, I seamlessly managed to carry on like a person who had never been hit by a car; I put the incident out of my mind and went about my day as a seemingly normal human being.

Then one day, while I was home alone, I crawled into a ball in an empty bathtub and cried for 2 solid hours. I felt so empty, so numb, and realized that this was no longer a problem I could battle on my own. For quite some time, my post-traumatic stress disorder made it impossible for me to feel comfortable anywhere outside of my home; I was safe there, from cars, from people, from everything. I couldn’t walk to the grocery store without picturing someone running over my body; I couldn’t ride my bike in the street without worrying about someone side-swiping me; I couldn’t even ride in a car without picturing what it would be like for me to be in her shoes.

Realizing those thoughts were abnormal, I started seeing a psychologist.

As instructed per aforementioned psychologist, I wrote a letter to the woman who hit me. Mind you, this letter was not intended for her viewing, it was simply used as a coping mechanism. I told her that I thought she was a coward for not getting out of her car to make sure I was ok; for not visiting me in the hospital. I told her that, because of her reaction, I thought a little less of humankind that day. I told her that, most of all, I thought she was a pathetic excuse for a human being. If I ran over someone with my car, I’d get my ass out of that car and bend to that person’s every whim. I’d follow them to the hospital, to make sure they were ok, and bake them cookies until they were fully recovered. But you know, I’m coming to learn that most people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. She was no exception. Any time I feel even the slightest ounce of hate toward her, I get that letter out of it’s secret place, go to the bathroom and read it to the mirror. Hey, it works.

I’m not better. I still have nightmares; I still get scared to leave my comfort zone. But I’m pushing myself and learning that fear is not a bad thing. Since I’m a no-medicine kinda lady, affirmations and refutations see me through the day. If you cross that street you’re going to get hit by a car. Be quiet, I am not. I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening. And I started a new type of light therapy called EMDR, which is supposed to rearrange the traumatic events in one’s brain. I’m skeptical, but at this point, I’m willing to try anything.

I can’t put into words how happy I am that this day has finally arrived, and is almost over. Right now I’m carving pumpkins with my Colorado family (I’ve got this on auto-post) and chances are, mama G is making me slug down glasses of wine shots of vodka. Here’s to hoping I don’t lost a finger.

>J’aime des macarons

>

I made perfect macarons today. Thanks to Helene Dujardin.

I sat on the kitchen floor, with my nose pressed against the oven window, and watched the macarons bake from start to finish. I silently celebrated when their tops crusted over and their little pieds formed (perfectly aligned with their shells). I must say, watching macarons bake is much more enjoyable than watching paint dry. Not to mention, much more rewarding.

Pumpkin spice macarons

adapted from Helene Dujardin, slightly modified

90 gr egg whites (removed from shells and aged in fridge, 4-5 days)

40 gr granulated sugar

200 gr confectioner’s sugar

110 gr almond meal

1/2 tsp pumpkin spice

• Sift together confectioner’s sugar, almond meal and pumpkin spice – set aside
• Fit mixer with the whisk attachment
• Beat egg whites on medium speed until they become foamy
• Slowly add granulated sugar
• Increase speed to medium-high and whip mixture until it forms stiff, glossy peaks (do not over beat your meringue or it will become too dry)
• Slowly fold almond mixture into meringue – folding no more than 50 times

To bake:

• Line baking sheet with parchment paper
• Fit pastry bag with a #12 Wilton tip – fill with batter
• Pipe small rounds onto the baking sheet
• Let the macarons sit out for 30-60 minutes before baking

Bake at 300 for 8-10 minutes

Of course, I recommend you head over to Helene’s blog and follow her instructions, as they are more detailed than mine. Not to mention, she’s been making macarons for years.

                                        

Pumpkin spice ganache

2 TBS pumpkin puree

1 TBS almond milk

2 TBS unsalted butter, room temperature

2 1/2 c. confectioner’s sugar

3 TBS dark chocolate chips, melted and cooled

1/2 tsp pumpkin spice

1/4 tsp cinnamon

• On the stove, heat pumpkin puree, almond milk, cinnamon and pumpkin spice to a medium-warm temperature – allow to cool for 10 minutes
• Whisk butter in bowl, then slowly incorporate pumpkin mixture
• Add confectioner’s sugar 1/2 c. at a time
• Slowly stir in dark chocolate (remember, this must be melted AND cooled)

Notes: You may pipe, or spread, ganache onto macarons – but I prefer piping. I also dipped a paintbrush into a thick espresso mixture (2 tsp instant espresso + 1 tsp water) and painted the tops of several macarons. The espresso compliments the chocolate and pumpkin spice well.

>Vegan pumpkin spice cinnamon rolls

>

Because everyone likes cinnamon rolls.

Vegan pumpkin spice cinnamon rolls

1/4 c. lukewarm water
1 1/4 tsp dry yeast
1/3 c. cane sugar
2 TBS agave nectar
2 TBS canola oil
1/4 c. almond milk
1/2 c. pumpkin puree (you could also use sweet potato puree)
1 tsp pumpkin spice
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1 c. whole wheat flour
2-2 1/2 c. unbleached flour

For filling

1/4 c. Earth Balance
1 TBS cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 c. brown sugar

The amounts I used are approximate. If you want more sugar, add more sugar. More cinnamon? Have at it. 

• Combine water and yeast in small bowl – stir lightly and let sit until foamy (roughly 10 minutes)
• In a separate bowl, sift together both flours and salt – set aside
• In a separate bowl, combine the sugar, agave nectar and oil – set aside
• On stove, bring almond milk, pumpkin puree, pumpkin spice and cinnamon to a medium-warm temperature, stirring constantly (do not allow mixture to boil)
• At this point, you should have four separate bowls
• In a large bowl, combine the pumpkin mixture with the sugar mixture and whisk for 1-2 minutes
• Incorporate yeast mixture and continue to whisk
• Slowly pour in the bowl of sifted flour (roughly 1/2 c. at a time) mixing thoroughly with a spatula after each addition – once you’ve  poured in 2 c. you will need to use your hands (if you’re a sissy and don’t want to ruin your nails, use a mixer. Better yet, get out of the kitchen.)
• If your dough is still sticky after all of the flour has been incorporated, add additional flour 1/4 c. at a time

To knead and rise:

• Once the dough is finished, coat a large mixing bowl with 1/2 tsp of oil
• Knead dough with hands for 2-3 minutes
• Place dough in bowl, cover with a damp cloth and place in a dry, warm area of your home (on top of fridge)
• Allow dough do rise for 60 minutes, then remove from bowl, knead for 1-2 minutes, cover and allow to rise for another 30 minutes
• After rising, remove dough from bowl and knead lightly (<1 minute)
• Place dough on a lightly floured surface and allow to rise for an additional 15 minutes

I’m going to warn you: it took 5 minutes and all 112 lbs of my body to roll out this stubborn dough. Rolling dough should be a WOD.

To roll, fill and bake:

• Roll dough into a rectangular shape (approximately 15X6) on the flat, floured surface where you allowed it to rise
• Spread dough with Earth Balance
• Layer cinnamon, nutmeg and brown sugar
• Roll dough tightly (vertically)
• Cut rolls 1″ thick and place on a lightly greased, circular baking pan

Bake at 375 for 13-15 minutes

Recipe yields 15 rolls because the horizontal measurement is 15″ – adjust length to your desire

                                        

Cinnamon roll glaze

2 c. confectioner’s sugar

2 tsp almond milk

1/4 tsp almond extract

• Combine all ingredients in a bowl and whisk
• Drizzle over rolls just before eating

You’re welcome.

>Maple + bacon

>

In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve been on a serious vegan kick lately. It took 3+ years of baking with eggs and dairy to realize that if I just leave out the animal by-products, I can enjoy my baking, too. For the longest time, when people would come over, they’d be all like Hey, are you going to try these cookies? And I’d be all like Are you kidding? That thing will reck havoc on my innards [while sitting there staring at them creepily (and living vicariously) while they devoured my delicious creation]. But now? People are all like Hey, are you going to try these cupcakes? And I’m all Listen, I ate 7 before you arrived. Some things never change.

Maple and bacon are all the rage lately. I completely understand, because one of my favorite meals snacks is two vegan sausage patties smothered in maple syrup (with a mimosa on the side). I can imagine bacon would provide a similar, mouth watering experience, but I don’t eat anything that goes oink (or moooo). Anyways, I’ve seen maple-bacon doughnuts, maple-bacon cookies and maple-bacon cupcakes – sadly, none of them have been vegan. I’m going to have to change that.

Vegan maple-bacon cupcakes

3/4 c. almond milk
1 1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 c. cane sugar
1/4 c. maple agave nectar
1/4 c. maple syrup
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/4 c. + 2 TBS coconut oil
2 c. unbleached flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder

• Combine almond milk and cider vinegar, let sit for 10 minutes – do not stir
• In separate bowl, whisk together sugar, agave nectar, maple syrup and vanilla extract
• Slowly incorporate oil – set aside
• In separate bowl, sift together flour, salt, baking soda and baking powder
• Create a well in the center of dry mixture – pour in both bowls of wet ingredients 1/2 at a time, alternating between the milk mixture and sugar mixture
• Whisk mixture until all ingredients are incorporated (2-3 minutes)

To bake:

• Line cupcake pan with paper liners
• Fill liners 1/2-2/3 full with batter

Bake at 350 for 15-16 minutes

Recipe yields approximately 2 dozen cupcakes

Notes: If you don’t have maple agave nectar, use regular agave nectar. Do not substitute additional maple syrup for the agave nectar – you will get tough, muffin-like cupcakes (trust me, because the original recipe I wrote, and tested, called for 1/2 c. maple syrup instead of equal amounts of maple and agave).

                                        

Vegan maple frosting

1 c. non hydrogenated shortening
3 TBS maple syrup
2 TBS almond milk
1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 c. confectioner’s sugar
1 dash of salt
3-4 strips of Smart Bacon (to garnish)

• Beat shortening at high speed for 1 minute
• Incorporate confectioner’s sugar 1/2 c. at a time
• Add salt and all wet ingredients

Garnish with Smart Bacon.

>Velvet cupcakes

>

My lack of baking this month is embarrassing, to say the least. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and healing, and sadly, there has not been much time for baking. Much less, blogging. My recipe well’s been all dried up, and lately, any recipe that does surface is either stupid or boring (because apparently I’m a 5 year old tomboy again). So here is a fine little recipe that I half wrote last night, then finished this morning while I was still sleep drunk. I’m willing to bet the only reason it even made it to my kitchen is because I was still half-asleep while starting to bake. Which resulted in a nice big burn across my forearm.

Vegan velvet cupcakes

   

1 c. almond milk

2 tsp apple cider vinegar

3/4 c. cane sugar

1/2 c. agave nectar

2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/2 c. coconut oil

3 c. unbleached flour

1/4 c. cocoa powder

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp baking powder

1 TBS red gel food coloring (or 3 TBS liquid food coloring)

2 TBS cold water

• Combine almond milk and cider vinegar, let sit for 10 minutes – do not stir
• In separate bowl, whisk together sugar, agave nectar and vanilla extract
• Slowly incorporate oil – set aside
• In separate bowl, sift together flour, cocoa powder, salt, baking soda and baking powder
• Create a well in the center of dry mixture – pour in both bowls of wet ingredients 1/2 at a time, alternating between the milk mixture and sugar mixture
• Add food coloring and water to mixture – beat well, the mixture should be semi-thick and stretchy (if it’s too thick, add another TBS of water)

To bake:

• Line cupcake pan with paper liners
• Fill liners 1/2-2/3 full with batter

Bake at 350 for 15-16 minutes (11-12 minutes for mini-cupcakes)

Notes: Surely you could use any type of oil your little heart desires, but I like coconut oil because it is one of the healthier oils to use in baking. Adding an extra tsp (or two) of baking powder is the only thing I would do differently next time – this is a semi-dense cupcake (but not muffin-dense) and I’d like to see it be a little more airy. Oh, and since I ran out of red food coloring, I substituted burgundy gel food coloring. Orange would be fun for October!

                                        

Vegan cream cheese frosting

8 oz. Tofutti cream cheese
1 c. non-hydrogenated shortening (Spectrum brand)
1 1/2 c. confectioner’s sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 TBS almond milk

• Beat cream cheese on high speed for 1-2 minutes (with paddle attachment, if using stand mixer)
• Add shortening, mix another 1-2 minutes
• Add confectioner’s sugar 1/2 c. at a time (now would be the time to fit your mixer with the whisk attachment)
• Slowly incorporate vanilla extract and almond milk
• Whisk all ingredients on high speed for 3-4 minutes

*If the mixture is too thick, add more milk. Alternately, if the mixture is too thin, add more confectioner’s sugar.

>Whoopies

>

I wouldn’t usually condone sleeping past 9am, but when it’s raining and the radiator is clanking (a sound I’m learning to love), sometimes it’s necessary. I slept until 11:27am today. 11:27 in the am. And, as if sleeping in wasn’t bad enough, I didn’t get out of my pajamas until I absolutely had to. Even then it was a struggle trying to convince my mature self that my immature self would look like a fool wandering around in a union suit, a scarf and boots. Fortunately, my mature self reigned supreme. But as soon as I came home, I settled right back into my union suit.

The worst part about wearing a union suit is the whole bathroom situation. My bladder woke me from sleep at 6am and it took what felt like forever to navigate through my dimly-lit flat; even longer to unbutton the top of my suit. So long, in fact that, at 22 years of age, I almost peed myself. Sad part is, I probably would have been ok with going back to sleep in a urine-soaked one-piece. But thankfully, I made it just in time (that seems to be happening with a lot of things these days). And stop picturing me sitting on the toilet, topless, with my suit down to my ankles. Because that’s just weird, guys.

Vegan pumpkin whoopie pies

3/4 c. non-dairy milk (I used almond milk)

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

1/4 c. non-hydrogenated shortening (Spectrum brand)
3/4 c. cane sugar
1/2 tsp unsulphured molasses
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 Ener-G egg
2 TBS oil (I used coconut oil)
1/4 c. pumpkin puree

2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

1/4 tsp cloves

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

2 c. unbleached flour

• Combine non-dairy milk and vinegar, set aside for 5-10 minutes – this is your buttermilk
• In separate bowl, sift together cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, baking soda, baking powder, salt and flour – set aside
• In separate bowl, cream together shortening, sugar and molasses
• Add vanilla, Ener-G egg, oil and pumpkin puree
• Slowly incorporate buttermilk, in thirds
• Create a well in the center of the flour mixture, pour in wet mixture – mix until completely incorporated

To bake:

• Line baking sheet with parchment paper
• Fit pastry bag with a #12 Wilton tip
• Fill pastry bag with batter
• Pipe circles 2″ in diameter onto baking sheet (hold tip in place, almost touching the bottom of the sheet – squeeze bag for 5 seconds)

Bake at 350 for 12-14 minutes

Of course, you don’t have to use a pastry bag to pipe the batter – it just guarantees perfect, circular shells.

I’ll admit, even after I placed the first batch of whoopie pie shells into the oven, I thought this recipe was going to be a total flop. I added flour to the rest of the batter, until it was firm and dough-like, then rolled the dough onto a baking sheet. Shockingly, the whoopie pie shells turned out perfect. And the cookies? Well, they didn’t turn out so bad. Edible, but certainly not worth writing home about.

                                        

Vegan cinnamon cream cheese frosting

4 oz Tofutti cream cheese
1/2 c. non-hydrogenated shortening (Spectrum brand)
1 1/4 c. confectioner’s sugar
1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 tsp cinnamon

• Cream together cream cheese and shortening
• Add confectioner’s sugar – whisk well 
• Mix in vanilla and cinnamon

                                        

I won’t judge you if you eat half of the bowl of icing. You won’t need it all, anyway. And it’s so good you could smear it on moldy, rotted cheese and it’d taste like a little slice of heaven. Do you understand? HEAVEN.